Barber Jokes
Guy comes into a barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber begins prepping him for a shave. A hot, sexy, blonde woman bends down at the guy’s feet and starts giving him a shoe shine. The guy starts remarking on how hot she is, and how he’d like to spend some time in a hotel room with her. The blonde says, “I don’t think my husband would like that.” Guy says, “Who cares?” The blonde replies, “You should, he’s the one who’s shaving you.”
Customer: What do you have for grey hair?
Barber: The greatest respect sir!
Customer: How do I get a hair cut?
Barber: Try flossing with dred locks!
Guy comes into a barbershop with a little boy. Guy sits down and gets the full treatment – haircut and straight razor shave. After he’s done, he motions for the boy to take his place in the chair, then turns to the barber and says, “Be right back, I have to pick up something at the drugstore.” The barber finishes the boy’s haircut and waits, but the guy doesn’t come back. He finally turns to the boy and says, “Did your dad forget about you?” The kid answers, “Oh, he’s not my dad. He just walked up to me on the street, said, ‘Come on, we’re gonna get free haircuts,’ and brought me in here.”
Customer: Now I’ve started to loose my hair the haircuts ought to be cheaper.
Barber: On the contrary, sir! It takes me longer to find them!
Customer: I’d like to grow my hair!
Barber: And how would you stop it?
A priest goes into a barber’s shop sits down, gets a good haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him.
The barber says, ‘Father, you’re a holy man, a man of the cloth there is no charge you.’
The priest blesses the barber and says, ‘Thank you very much’ and goes about his business. The next day, 10 gold coins magically appear on the barber’s doorstep.
A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, ‘No money, please, you’re a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it’s on the house.’
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 10 magnificent rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay and the barber says, ‘No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can’t take any money from you, go in peace.’
Then the next day, the barber opens his shop to find 10 Rabbis waiting for a haircut.
Customer: How do I avoid falling hair?
Barber: I should jump out of the way!
Customer: What do you think of my new toupee?
Barber: I couldn’t tell it from a wig, sir!
Customer: I’ve got lovely black hair running down my back!?
Barber: Pity its not on your head then!
Alan walks in to the barbershop.
The barber says, ‘What will it be today?’
Alan replies says, ‘Well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up.’
The barber answers frowning, ‘Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that?’
Alan says, ‘That’s how you cut it last time.’
Customer: Have you got anything to keep my hair in?
Barber: How about a shoe box?!
Barber: How would you like your hair cut sir?
Customer: Off?
Paul enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
‘I have just the thing,’ says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. ‘Just place this between your cheek and gum.’
Paul places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. ‘And what if I swallow it?’
No problem,”‘ says the barber. ‘Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.’
Barber: Your hair’s getting thinner!
Customer: Well who wants fat hair?
Barber: (holding up mirror) How do you like your hair cut sir?
Customer: Could you make it a bit longer at the back?
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.”
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.” The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.”
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house!”